single white female.

You're intelligent and well-read. You never use the wrong form of your/you're and u don't txt lyke dis. You share my love for Bukowski, Kerouac, and Ellis and can actually give book recommendations. I'd like to think you're in college or graduated but that's being overly optimistic and somewhat hypocritical.

You're funny and you don't take yourself too seriously. You're capable of dumb perverted jokes or clever, dry wit. You attempt to appreciate my goofy, awkward, and somewhat sarcastic sense of humor. You quote comedians like George Carlin, Lewis Black, and Mitch Hedberg. You love Tina Fey as much as I do.

You're laid back, not some uptight conservative prick. You're accepting of any and all lifestyles.... including my own. You're easy going, yet also responsible. You have a job or reasonable means, hobbies, ambition, and goals of your own. I don't have my entire life planned out but I know what I want out of it, and so do you.

You're not religious at all. You don't believe in fairy tales. This wouldn't work otherwise, trust me. You're liberal as fuck like me, and you'll agree when I mention something like how medical marajuana or abortion should be legal in every state. You're either an omnivore that knows the difference between tempeh and tofu or a carnivore with enough sense not to question my dietary preferences.

You might drink or smoke, but not to an excess. You might be into green but you're not rolling or cooking meth in your basement on the weekends. Maybe you're edge but your views remain yours and my habits remain mine and no questions are asked.

You love music, whether it be any variety of punk, indie, pop-punk, metal, hardcore, or uh, Ludacris. Doesn't matter if it's catchy or if it's just plain PISSED. You don't listen to ridiculous amounts of funk, ska, or country (preferably none, really, with very little exceptions). You're down with my favorites, such as: Alkaline Trio, Saves the Day, New Found Glory, Tegan & Sara, Owen, The Smiths, eyehategod, and Converge.

You love animals and you totally want to go with me to the Anti-Cruelty Society so I can look at the cats and dogs despite the fact my roomies aren't down with pets. You're down to go on jogs or long walks with me and you generally care about your well-being. You're a bit of a nerd too. You'd come with to comic book shops, comic cons, you know who Stan Lee is and you knew what a Vulcan was before last year. You like to go out too, but you're totally content staying in with food, drinks, and the OG trilogy.

You embrace my flaws and quirky habits. Humor my clumsiness and OCD tendencies. You don't kiss my ass, yet instead you somehow keep me grounded. You patiently listen to me ramble before you shut me up just by kissing me. You have a healthy sexual appetite because if you didn't, I'd wear you right out. You're dominant, and aggressive with dashes of passionate and charming.

You're basically a babe... but more imporantly, you're got confidence (not to be mistaken with a huge EGO). You preferably have enough tattoos and piercings to make my parents cringe a little. You definitely have facial hair... well, only if it works on you. You're TALLER THAN ME (5'8")... but if you don't tower over me while I'm in my heels standing at 6 foot, I'll understand. You have a comfortable shoulder/chest region for me to lay my head on. Oh and you're totally down to be the big spoon.

You're into me and not afraid to admit it. You're not too shy to hold my hand in public and you don't care who knows. You send a cute or thoughtful text here and there but you're not the jealous, paranoid, overbearing/clingy type... which works well, cause neither am I. You're willing to take turns playing "host". You're not trying to run off first thing in the morning (in fact, you're making or getting me coffee) but you're not pressuring me into any kind of commitment either. You're down to hangout because you genuinely enjoy my company. You're willing to keep things casual and just go with the flow, despite the inevitable doom of "someone always wants more or less". You're communicative about the situation so it remains comfortable.

Lastly,

YOU DO NOT EXIST. You are a figment of my fucking imagination.
If somehow you do, you most likely do not even live near Chicago.
If somehow I'm wrong again, there's no way you're single. Or into me.
If I'm completely mistaken, and you do exist... do yourself a favor.

Don't come find me. I'll probably ruin it.